Twinning Tuesday: Mama Guilt

I don't think there is a parent who doesn't have feelings of guilt over something ...

- not enough time
- work
- the food they are serving to their family
- what they want to do versus what should be doing

Guilt  certainly isn't a special experience for parents of twins, but I think there is a special kind of guilt for parents of multiples. The guilt of trying to meet the needs of both twins, particularly when they are infants.

I think any parent who has more than one child gets a taste of this as well; both children have wants and needs, and you cannot always meet those of both children at the same time.

Little Guy helping  Baby Girl with her pacifier

I remember when my own twins, Baby Girl and Little Boy, were infants, I went through much the same thing. Baby Girl was the needier of the two; she cried more easily, wanted to be held more, was more sensitive to her environment, and to physical needs. Little Boy on the other hand, was always more placid, more easy going.

Baby Girl would cry, so I would pick her up to comfort her. If she had her own way, she would have been held. All. The. Time!

And although Little Boy would have the same needs as Baby Girl, he didn't vocalize them as readily.


Despite wanting to treat them the same, to give them the same newborn experience, they didn't. It was easier to theorize all of this while I was pregnant with them, but once they were born, and the reality of having two babies set in, it was near impossible to treat them the same.

I've read about similar situations on plenty of forums for multiples; one twin nursed longer than the other, one twin co-slept while the other didn't, one twin was worn more, carried more, cradled more etc etc.

Thus the Twin Guilt.

I would love to say that over time I found a magic formula, a way to be able to fulfill the needs of each child. The truth is a little trickier though.

I gave what I could to both of them, and worked on the guilt. (I won't say "I did my best"; I have always had a difficult time with that phrase. No one is capable of 'doing their best' all the time. We do what we can, and that has to be okay).

Of course, it would be dreadful of me to leave you with no light at the end of this tunnel, aside from the acknowledgement that you are not alone in your mama-guilt. So, I offer you a couple of things that I found did help:

~ take any help you can! When friends and family come over to visit, and offer to hold a baby, ask that they hold the more demanding twin, giving you some one on one time with your less needy baby. Or, ask them to take both babies, and take ten minutes by yourself. Alone. A little alone time will help with just about everything!

~ wear your babies. I wore Baby Girl on my back a lot, once she could hold her head up (at about 3 - 4 months). This kept her close and happy, so I could focus more on Little Boy's needs.

~ remember that different children WILL have different experiences. My eldest child Little Guy was an only child for his first three and a half years; his infant and toddler years were shaped by our undivided attention. Comparing his experience with that of his younger siblings, is really different. Different is not necessarily bad, it is just that - different!

~ remembering that I am not advocating neglecting one of your babies, but that if you are giving them both what you can, while still leaving a little left over for yourself, then you are doing fine.

~ find a balance that works for you and your family. That might mean using tools that you may not have considered as an Attachment Parenting family, such as baby swings, bouncy chairs, sleeping alone, pacifiers, or supplementing with formula. You can still be an AP parent and use one of these! Work to release your expectations, or even the expectations of others, either real or perceived.

~ I first heard this advise from Melisa Nielsen, writer of the Waldorf Essentials curriculum, and I love it so much, I have it written out and tacked above my desk ... save guilt for sin. Parenting is a tough gig, and parenting multiples can be an extra challenge. Do what you can. Love them as much as you can. Hold them as often as you can. Take some deep breathes ... you're a great parent!


Have you found good ways to move past parenting guilt? What advice would you give to a friend in the throes of mama guilt? Feel free to share; I'd love to hear from you!

Twinning Tuesday; A Disclaimer, ... and Attachment Parenting?!

Last week I announced the beginning of a new occasional series here on Simply, in the 'Burbs, about raising twins or multiples with an Attachment Parenting approach.

I really want to thank those readers who contacted me with their support and questions; it really means so much to me. Really! This was a big blogging step for me, and to know that there are interested readers makes this all worth while - thank you!!

And with that out of the way, I have to give a disclaimer: I'm not a parenting expert.

I haven't written parenting books, done independent research, spent years studying, or written a thesis on parenting. I haven't read every parenting book at Barnes and Noble, or read every parenting blog.

But! - I am a mama of three, including, 18 month old twins,so I have a couple of years of parenting experience under my belt. And back before I had my own Little Ones, I was a Montessori teacher, and I have a Masters in Early Childhood Development.

Really, though it is the past five years as a mama that give me the most resources to draw on in writing this series. Hands on experience trumps all!

I may not be brushed up on the latest research, but when it comes to an AP approach with young children, I've got 'been there, done that' kudos.

Little Boy (L) and Baby Girl (R), first post partum co-sleeping experience, aged 6 hours

And so, on to Attachment Parenting and Twins!

One thing I will not be doing in these posts is debating the benefits of an AP approach; rather I will be giving hands-on tips, resources and how-to's on bringing Attachment Parenting to twins/multiples.

In case you are not familiar with AP, are still reading and are still interested, let's spend a minute talking about what it is.

Attachment Parenting is a style of raising children, one where you are connected to your child's needs. For me, this always felt like I spent more time listening to my child's needs, and less time trying to inflict my will on the child.

Dr. Bill Sears originally coined the term Attachment Parenting, and remains one of it's biggest champions.

The seven basic principles of AP, as Dr. Sears wrote them, are:

1. Birth Bonding
2. Breastfeeding
3. Babywearing
4. Bedding Close to Baby
5. Beware of Baby Trainers
6. Belief in your Baby's Cry Language
7. Balance
(Taken from Dr. Sear's site; for the full article, and much more information on each of the principles click here)

The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. Sears

When The Little Guy was born nearly 5 years ago, an AP approach seemed totally natural; I don't think we even realized that what we were doing was AP!
Nursing, listening to his needs, keeping him close through cradling him in my arms and later by wearing him, all of this just seemed obvious for My Good Man and I.

Three years later, when we had our twins, we were still able to implement the same principles, but they took a little more creative thinking, tenacity, determination and yes, more releasing, more letting o of what we could not do. We were not able to be quite the same AP parents with twins as we were with a singleton. We tried really hard, but we just weren't.

But for us at least, we recognized that it was alright. We were still able to implement each of the seven principles outlined by Dr. Sears with our twins, but maybe not as fully as we had with our singleton.

Baby Girl (left) and Little Boy (right), aged 16 months

If I could go back in time and give the post-twin-partum me one piece of advice, it would be to remember the 7th AP principle; BALANCE! That these are wonderful principles, but that they need to work for your family, for YOU! For example, if co-sleeping with twins is so difficult that neither parent is getting enough sleep, then it might not be working. Being rested, and able to properly care for your babies, AND yourselves is just as important. Keep things in balance.

Do what you can, and remember - no one will you be testing you on being the perfect Attachment Parenting Parent! Love your Little Ones, keep them close, and loved. Listen to them. Slow down. Love them some more! And know that you are doing a great job; this is hard work, but you are doing fine!


Where are you on your parenting journey? Are you using Attachment Parenting? Are there aspects that feel hard for you? Feel free to share; I'd love to hear from you!

Twinning Tuesday, An Introduction

Two years ago, when I first found out that I was expecting twins, I did what a lot of expectant parents do; I started reading and researching!

My learning curve was a steep one; my older child was two and half, so I felt that pregnancy and caring for a newborn was still fairly recent in my memory, but twins? I knew next to nothing.

Not only did I find that my basic knowledge of twins was minimal (fraternal? half identical? what?!) but that I struggled to find the information that fit our soon to be twin family. Although there were books, blogs, groups and web sites about twins, not many of them talked about baby wearing, co-sleeping, cloth diapering and breast feeding (let alone tandem nursing!)

The Two Little Ones, about 6 hours old, Baby Girl on the left and Little Boy on the right

 ... and again at 18 months old, Baby Girl on the left, Little Boy on the right.

Now I am eighteen months into my journey as mama to my twins, Baby Girl and Little Boy. Over the past year and a half, we figured out a lot. The best way to parent our babes, while maintaining an Attachment Parenting approach. We have successfully navigated breast feeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, gentle parenting and cloth diapering.

 I'll be starting an occasional series on twins: Twinning Tuesday. In it I'll be covering all sorts of topics, the sorts of things I wish that I had been able to read about both when I was expecting and when my two Littles were growing.


I hope you'll be joining me in the coming weeks; please feel free to email me here, or leave a comment, if there is a particular topic you are interested in my covering. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!